Oh, brother!

this is my third entry today. I am a true diary addict, there are worse things i suppose. what else would i do with my time, what i did in san francisco on the weekdays, read z magazine and every book i never read in school, watch Friends as often as possible, carouse around church and 24th or valencia and 22nd or so, pester poor Brian? only a few of these are options anymore. luckily harvs came into my life at just the right time, providing answers to this question. what would i have done otherwise? given up probably, reverted to my old thousand oaks self, done something rash. I'm not saying i owe my life but i am appreciative. i tell everyone how glad i am to have friends again, well, correction to have friends that, for some unindentifiable reasons, i relate to. a whole group of them. its truly amazing. i am truly lucky, so. cal is not a place where one makes good friends so quickly. at least it has never been that kind of place for me. it seems that much of what i do is recount all the things that have gone wrong in my life, but then in conversation overcompensate for this and give a totally false impression of my self. i rarely feel that i am in control of this anyway. i usually feel that my self is something that has trickled away from me in thin little streams, some of these are drying up in this california sun. i can tell, i hope they are the ones i don't want anymore.

it's amazing, i sat down here to bitch about something that has been bothering me and it has turned out to be something much different. maybe bitching isn't as important as i think it is. but right now i feel like it...

i HATE to be lied to. if i know someone well then i know when i am being lied to. its especially infuriating when the lie is constructed to hide something that doesn't have anything to do with me. like the bland details of the liar's life are so important. all i am saying is that if you don't want me to know even small little things then maybe you shouldn't be around me. these struggles are all very simple if you break them down, here goes: if you know someone and you don't really care about them and you don't really respect them, and you don't really want to share anything with them, you probably shouldn't call them and feign interest, pledge an undying best-friendship, and everlasting support. or maybe you really do mean those things in theory and that's all well and good but theory is not what counts in a friendship. "in theory i would love to be a good friend to you, but in practice i just can't seem to get myself to do it." one of the worst cliches around always seems to plague my thoughts, "life is not a dress rehearsal." so don't say to someone: "oh this is what i want to do, this is what i will do in this situation, this is what i am working toward, i have this picture of my life that i really want to have as a reality," when you can control all of that by not being two faced, by being genuine, by being brave, by owning up to your own feelings and saying FUCK YOU to the rest of the world that is getting in your way. don't worry about hurting the strangers that live in "the rest of the world," THEY won't mind, THEY don't even know who you are, THEY can erase you from their memories.

I cannot.

18 July 2002 - 6:45 PM

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Oh, brother.