I know this page is normally used for little stories about the exploits of my day but today...I am not in the mood.

Instead today I have a request...

I would just like it to never be said that GIRLS are the ones most likely to be playing games.

Now, if we have everything straight, I think I will go back to trying to maintain an emotional balance.

Thank you very much and I appreciate the cooperation.

* * *

I remember what I said to Brian the first time he came down from San Francisco to visit me when I was living in San Diego.

I had just had a run in with someone I had been seeing and was feeling "impatient" with the world. My roommates were mad at me because I been throwing things (although I had only thrown one thing and it was mine and it hadn't hit anyone) and I was locked in my closet refusing to come out. They thought I was refusing to come out because I was having some kind of break down but really they were just annoying the fuck out of me. But since the idea of "molly freaking out" seemed to make everyone feel better about themselves I didn't argue.

Through the door Brian told me that I should never be upset by someone cutting me down because to him it was obvious that that person didn't know who I was. He told me that I was the most amazing girl he had ever met, and that he wasn't just infatuated with me, he admired me in my misery and that it made sense to him. He said that at that moment he was so overcome that he would drop everything he was doing, sell everything he owned and run away with me forever to anywhere I wanted to go.

What I said back to him still holds true...and I have actually written something to the effect on this page before. I picture myself as moving along one plane, I might not necessarily want to be doing it but I have to be because as I move foward everything behind me crumbles. In fact that plane itself is very delicate and can barely withstand the weight of my fucked up emotions. So if you want to be with me then come with me. And if one day you decide that you can't stay, leave. Everything you tell me about your intentions I will take as truth so if something isn't the whole truth don't say it all until it is, if it ever is. And please don't talk to me about the future because I will believe you and I will jump ahead but if/when I find out it was just romanticism I will have nothing to go back to because everything I left behind will have already crumbled.

He said he wanted to stay and I let him come in the closet with me.

Of course it must be taken into consideration that we were two "emo kids" very fucked up on hallucinogenic drugs so it could all very well be for nought.

27 November 2002 - 4:43 PM

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