What I can't figure out is how different both ends of the relationship were. The beginning was amazing, of course, it always felt like a sure thing. At that time I was convinced that the world was making its final lap around the sun before mass destruction and suffering broke out. Nobody was the only thing that I felt I could reach out to without any fear of judgement or criticism, and at that time he was. At that time I had a feeling of being caught in the eye of a tornado, the only thing keeping me from blowing away was what we had with each other.

Three years later the world has become a much worse place, just not at the rate I had expected it to. It is a slower, more grueling process, like every time another policy is put into action that I did not vote on, and completely support the opposite off, a handful of hair yanked from my head. Also during this time I stopped reaching out for support from nobody except in emotional outbursts of indignity that forced him to avoid me and deliberately build walls between us. The higher the walls, the higher the degree of emotion.

Eventually it just becomes too much work. Even if relationships are supposed to be "work." I don't think that this was that kind of "work."

I can never say that this was a relationship without love or an emotional connection but toward the end what somehow took the forefront was mutual disrepect. I guess what I saying is that I didn't enter the relationship thinking I needed to change one thing about him but by the end that was nearly all I thought about.

We were once a couple who made out on public transportation, who would joke about how we were the "annoyingly happy couple" everywhere we went, who believed that if one ever died the other would follow shortly after so that we could spend our afterlife together. We ended a couple whose devotion to one another had dwindled into co-dependency and who, when walking side by side, never held hands.

I guess this is how every relationship begins and ends. Its happened before and it will happen again; to different people and to the same people, it is the way of life for us humans.

I have seen other relationships go on for much longer under worse conditions, I have been in some of them even, but now I choose loneliness over constant panic and anxiety.

I used to strongly believe in a happy ending for myself, I don't think that it is lost at this point but maybe just thrown off track for a while. I have a feeling that I will need to reinvent my idea of what a happy ending is.

I do wish that nobody were here right now just not in the way we are but "the way we were."

On a positive note, around 6:30 today, KH called and invited me to San Diego with her and TA. I was excited to be able to accept the spontaneous invitation. Had I not been on my own time, as I am now, I would have missed out on a lovely evening.

I miss him very much.

04 August 2003 - 1:31 AM

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