The next morning before I left for work I checked the caller ID history and saw that Brent had not called in days but really some girl who I had never heard of was the one who had called. She also received a phone call from my boyfriend around 3:30am that night. Well how lovely.

I remember feeling like I had been electrocuted, shaking uncontrollably, not knowing what to do. I had to leave for work, I couldn't be late to work. I cried the whole way. I knew from the beginning of the relationship that he would never be faithful to me. I knew the whole time. The moment we became a couple, I lost my backbone.

I was always trying to justify being so dramatic by saying my job is so demanding and stressful and all day long I talk to people who don't want to be talking to me and then I come home and I feel like I am at war with the one person who I should feel comfortable with. That was not enough to justify how dramatic I was but I was really torn up inside all through this year. There was even talk of marriage which was strange, but shows that nobody didn't actually realize that what he was doing behind my back would be something to interfere in our relationship.

There was a point when I knew that the power was in his hands and I had a decision to make. It was my reactions to his actions that was most obviously making the relationship bad. Like he hid away the bad side of himself, funny though that what was left was pretty blank. My bad side was all he saw at that time, every notion of female weakness and indignity he saw, I made sure of it. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, right? Though, I am a girl not yet a woman. But of course if there had been more positive stimulus my reactions may have been different. I could have buried my feelings and we would still be together probably or I could let them ruin everything and I did and I did it intentionally.

Its tragically funny to me at this point. There was always yelling and banging coming from our apartment. Me throwing things, him throwing things. Me crying, him yelling. Me yelling, him denying. Then, we would make up and there would all kinds of laughing and music and dancing and jumping all around. We both knew it had to end but we wanted to prolong the good, make it last as long as we could.

He is a brilliant person, I can't blame him for his decisions. I don't call him about it anymore. He moved out two days after we broke up, I think I only really called him to cry and complain and point my finger about 5 times after that. Most often I called to say that I was sorry. I had been in his position before where I was staying with someone but my head was elsewhere. That person wouldn't let me forget it and blamed me and acted like he didn't understand that human beings sometimes will get a change of heart. I know this happens, it happened to nobody and aside from that nobody had enough troubles himself. He didn't need me calling him to complain about the obvious, that there are no guarantees in life. I kind of makes me sick when I think how common an expectation that is. I think some people need to acknowledge what a promise really is, its more of an intention than anything else. You can't sacrifice yourself for an intention though. That's crazy, and I especially wouldn't want someone to do that just for me and what I want. Nobody has everything they want, they just learn to go without, its a fundamental part of life.

I'll say it again, he is a brilliant person and though I am a tad bit worse for the wear right now, I am lucky I got to see into his life a bit.

Its great to see that we made the right decision, we are both so much better off now.

19 October 2003 - 11:23 AM

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