I found myself wanting to leave early for some reason. Hard to say exactly what. Just anxiety to be home and comfortable I suppose.

I was very happy to have been able to see Nat and Sheila and Le and of course, Tresa, but of course I saw her. I was wavering on going but on Thursday night I woke up in the middle of the night frantic about going, thinking that I MUST go! I don't know exactly why but I do know that last week all I was doing was making a nuisance of myself here and that if I stayed any longer things could get messier.

I think it was a very good thing for me to get out of dodge and to forget about the holes I have been digging for myself recently. Also, I learned something about myself...that I am really dynamite on the dance floor. I should have realized sooner but, as with everything for me, it took a while to internalize. This is an important thing for me to realize, I think. I think this changes everything now.

Again on Sunday night I woke up with the same feeling that I NEEDED to get out of there and come back home to see my parents. Of course I did not go see my parents. It always seems like a good idea but...once I get there its always just a bit much.

Anyway, who knows what is going on with me? Not me.

For the most part though, I have been feeling absurdly lucky lately, or, well, maybe, just happy overall(???) I don't know, I don't know what to make of it...I just feel like everything is going to be okay, one way or another. Its a new thing for me...I need to ease into this carefully, like, I don't want to jinx it. Sometimes I get this urge to grab myself and slap myself across the face and scream, "WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, HUH??? TELL ME! WHO?!" So far I haven't actually done that, the need just hasn't been there though we'll see what happens if things progress as they have been.

In other news, I am donning my first tattoo ever in the history of my life. I call it a "tester" tattoo because it is very simple, just a little prick of the tattoo needle here and there, just to see if I could bear it and I could. In fact, it was less painful than the facial I just had! This was just a dip of the toe in water but I think I have caught the bug! There is talk of asking Jesus into my life in the form of a tattoo tomorrow evening.

We shall see, dear diary, oh yes, we shall see.

17 November 2003 - 10:47 PM

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