I. Do not want. A boyfriend.

(This is not in reaction to any conversation I had with this person on AIM, on Friday at work. This is a totally unrelated matter.)

I do not want a boyfriend because since being single I have come a long way with my depression and my self-esteem. I have figured out so many news ways to express myself that I wasn't free to use when I was attached. Not sexual. I don't think sex is as important or as interesting an insitution as everyone seems to think. It is enjoyable, yes, to most everyone for obvious reasons. Wowee, I'm intrigued now! Lets it put it to bed okay??

When I say self-expression, I am talking mostly about personal style, general communication and decision making. For example, since being on my own and perfectly free to decide things for myself, I have no pressure to listen to any certain kind of music. Well maybe just the pressure of working in the music industry in LA but I am pretty good at writing off other people's opinions. Assuming that everyone else's taste is really trite and calculated toward social gain can be very liberating. Anyways, as a result of being my own person, I've discovered the music I have always been looking for. I don't have to listen to sassy art punk or Sub Pop bands all of the time to be happy, I CAN listen to it and be happy if I am in the mood but I can also listen to The Doves or XTC or Lou Reed and be just as content. What a great thing and there are only better things to come.

When I am in a relationship, I absorb that other person. This is always because I can't be in a relationship with anyone that I don't absolutely adore/admire. Its sick, I know but everyone does it. You see a quality you admire in another person and you want to develop it in yourself. It's not that I am easily impressed but once I am...yikes! I'm your biggest fan. My attention is off myself and onto to you, like THAT. After that point, the only time I consider my own preferences is somehow in relation to you. What do I need to change in myself to cater to you? Its sweet puppy love but I can't do it forever.

I forget who I am.

Recently, I've started to recognize myself again!! Its like an old friend is back. I remember the day she left like it was yesterday. I was laying on the floor in the walk-in closet of the palatial/filty apartment I lived in San Diego, tearfully saying into the telephone, "I love you too." The tears weren't necessarily of joy, they were from knowing I was saying goodbye to myself again. I didn't want to be in love but there I was. I was just getting back to my original state after having been unattached for about 7 or 8 months.

The thing about relationships is that once you're in them you have to find a way out of them. Or, a way to stay in.

The thing about boys is that they are too great. The other thing about boys is, nobody is like "nobody." Even though he is a coward/pussy for the way he let me sabotage our relationship with my depression, nobody is like he is.

Let's get one thing straight, I don't want him back, I want someone better and right now, if there is someone better, it would be okay if he stays away for a while longer. I'm not through wearing my old lady shoes from Rite Aid and listening to nerd rock just yet.

Also, what's the point of being close with friends at this point in my life. This is when everyone pairs off.

14 February 2004 - 11:21 AM

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