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for the sweet toothnixon
recorddaisies 		Dear Diary -- My trip to America did me loads of good. America is a very interesting place, a place where I have spent very little time. You see, I was born there but at three years old I said goodbye and moved with my family to the suburbs of Los Angeles. I have resided here since, expect for breif periods of time spent in San Diego, San Francisco and Spain. In America, they let you smoke indoors if you want, its a very empowering feeling, it made me feel like such an adult (pronounced Ah-dult, a sharp "a" sound, if you will.)

It was also a very nice feeling to be able to carve out a path from somewhere 2/3 of the way to New York. We just drove on different roads and eventually we got home. I feel so connected with the Americans now. Again, a very adult feeling.

Upon my return to California I was given a speeding ticket, which made me feel like a child, esp. since the dumb fuck cop, officer Goforth, asked me to spell New Hampshire for him. I plan to fight the ticket citing extreme intellectual poverty on the part of officer Goforth as my reason. A person who cannot spell New Hampshire has no right to tell me how fast to drive. He also asked me how fast HE was going. Well, of course, I didn't fucking know how fast HE was going because I was in MY car going 80. That much I did know. I thought that he would have also asked me to guess his age, weight and birthday but he did not. He was kind of a douche bag.

California is my home, I felt that feeling of coming home as soon as we entered the state from Arizona via Needles. The desert here is much more beautiful than in Arizona. I think I like it here, though it pains me to say that I like anything.

It is 80 degrees here today, as it was yesterday and the day before that. Its so nice! I feel so goddamned recreational. Last night I went for an impromptu walk around neigborhood. Just like that you know?? Totally unplanned, in my flip flops, I also went to the Trader Joes in my neighborhood for the first time, I mean, I realize that I live here, and I can go anywhere I please. After I went to the Trader Joes I got lost and it took me 40 minutes to get home, but whatever. I am my own girl.

I lie down at night and I am totally alone, scarcely larger than a spec of dust on the surface of the Earth. I lay there, raised up from the ground atop my IKEA mattress and I look up to where the sky would be and further into space and I am totally alone. That feeling used to really scare me but now I revel in it and whenever I am lonely, I think to myself, No, you are not lonely! You are alone and so, so lucky.

09 March 2004 - 12:50 PM

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Oh, brother.