Today as I was parting ways with my brother he said, "I'll tell Mom and Dad you say 'hi'" To which I responded, "Oh! That's right, I forgot you're living with them." But saying that to Fred doesn't offend him. He gets it.

After that I tried to catch the elevator before the doors closed but they were already past that point where I would be comfortable sticking my arm in between the doors to make them open again. A younger boy in the elevator did it for me though!! It wasn't mandatory even that he do so, he was just being nice. So I said thank you and he said you're welcome and then his friend said, "Aww how cute, you guys should date." I laughed to myself and thought I should say something back but I just smiled to all of them and then looked at the floor. I was probably at least 4 years older than any of them. A guy at the back of the elevator who looked to be about my age looked over to me. It seemed like a compassionate glance, at least a kind glance. I was surprised any of it happened. Most of the time I feel like other people look at me and think I'm gross.

Fred is turning 29 in July. He is a rich bachelor who lives with his parents. There is always something Fred is doing accidently to set him apart from the rest of the Hollywood thugs. It used to be only that he was very young for his job. Now he is about the right age but seemingly unconcerned with status (demonstrated by the fact that he doesn't drive a black LandRover or shop at Fred Segal.) When I first started at Warner Bros. my boss there was, if you'll remember, EXTREMELY concerned with status. Overly concerned to the point of being obsessed. He often used that as an example of his supreme drive, he would often preach to me, "You know how I got here Molly? Because I was hungry for it. I wanted to be here because I care about what this job represents." During these times I would think, "Am I really sitting here right now? Am I really giving this man the impression that what he is saying inspires me?" And maybe it did at the time but he was talking about working in the record industry. It's not exactly a revolution.

I had a lot of inner conflict during that period in time. Now I have at least learned how to zone out.

11 May 2005 - 10:58 PM

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