There was a time in my life that I was convinced that if there were ever a normal contest for the entire country I would place in the top 5 but now I am not so sure. I have a feeling of being suspended in a world of superficial impulses prompted by notions of right and wrong defined by people I have known in my past. All day long their voices interrupt my instincts lending advice on every decision, small or large, with which I am faced. A good deal of my concentration is wasted on decifering my own opinions from opinions I have absorbed over time. At times, the traffic becomes so noisy and I am concentrating so hard on concentrating that all I am really doing is retreating from my thoughts and from my reality.

My mind wanders and I am confused as to what it is that I am using to function then if my mind has wandered away. I do know that I eventually arrive to the places I aim to but have little recollection of how.

There is definately a barrier between me and what is going on. Its like the atmosphere...I know that I could probably break through it but I alone am to weak to weather the resistance and don't have the armour/means to force my way through.

I would be content to sit and stare my way through life, waiting for the end of it but that is no option. There are nights when I don't sleep and they break into days where I am exhausted and silly. On those days I am sure the people I encounter think I am "on it." On those days my boss often commends me on my productivity because on those days I make the most phone calls and get the best reception. Its strange that when I am too tired to care and I should be at my worst I am at my best.

22 March 2003 - 9:03 PM

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